OBLIVION III.2||sing me a lullaby



TITLE|one last
Saturday, December 6, 2003
Before I archive this page (whenever that might be), I thought I should do some clearing up. I talked with Marc, and it turns out he wasn't really being mean to Piya, it's just that the tension kind got to be too much for either of them. And he did apologize to her later at Chris', which Piya herself told me but I forgot to include.
Also, thanks for watching over me in my drunken state, M MarC.
I'm having a hard time finding a balance between being a gracious guest and turning down food. I'm eating only a meal a day, but people keep offering me food, and it feels rude to turn them down.
The lack of eating has been causing me to sleep more, which is a welcome change, except that I really need to be up a lot lately to get all my work done.
I think I'm going to keep up the relatively-ascetic thing up until New Year's, maybe break with it for a few days if I end up going to San Francisco with Kira and folks, then get back into it. It hasn't even been a week and I feel healthier already.
I've had no time at all to work on a layout, which is why there's been no archiving yet, but soon.

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 04:59 p.m.


TITLE|goodbye hello
Monday, December 1, 2003
And so, with my return to Ohio, I am now ready to say goodbye to junk foods and over-indulgence, to masturbation and wastefulness, to indolence and torpor, to drinking, to November, to dating, and to this chapter. The official archiving will happen whenever I find time to create a new layout.
In the meantime, big thanks to Clare for picking me up at the airport tonight. That was mondo cool. And big thanks again to Piya, Zack, and Chris for taking care of me on Friday night.

"If you don't know what you're missing
'cause you don't know where to start,
follow your wishing heart." - Lisa Loeb

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 02:52 a.m.


TITLE|ugh
Saturday, November 29, 2003
Wow, I must say I impress even myself sometimes.
I went out to a party with the gang last night. There was tension between Kira and Stephanie; there was tension between Piya and Marc. I did my best to get so trashed I wouldn't pay it any mind.
Mission accomplished.
For the first time ever, and hopefully the last time as well, I drank so much that I've lost a large chunk of what happened last night. Piya filled me in on most of it by phone a little while ago.
After Hans and Nathan left for another party, I got really sick - I remembered this bit, but only kind of - and then passed out on a couch or something.
Awhile later, Piya got me up - apparently I didn't want to move, so she had to enlist Zack and Chris to get me up and keep me on my feet.
Jeff had disappeared, so Piya did Zack, Chris, and Marc the favour of driving them (and me, with trash bag in hand) home. Regardless of her generosity, she still had to face Marc's onslaughts. Marc eventually got out of the car.
She drove me home. The point where I get my memory back is right after this - I remember fumbling around to get the key in the lock, walking upstairs, stripping, and going to bed.
After this, she went to take Zack home and burst into tears. Chris suggested some tea, and they comforted her.

In conclusion, I'm never getting that drunk again. I feel like a shit in the first place for forgetting how much everyone did to take care of me, and I feel doubly a shit for not being able to comfort Piya. I was also punished by having a hangover most of the day - another first for me.
Conclusion Part II: My experiences last night are making me feel very good about my decision to be more ascetic. Here are the resolutions:
(1) Eat at most twice a day, and sparingly at that. Do not eat junk foods of any kind.
(2) Work out at the gym at least three times a week.
(3) Avoid all intoxicants, such as alcohol and falling in love.
(4) No more dating, kissing, or hooking up. No sex of any kind, including self-love.
(5) Devote more time to scholarly pursuits, both curricular and extra-curricular. To this end, do not spend money on anything other than learning tools.

Should be fun. I don't know how long I plan to keep all of that up, but whatever the duration, it will make for an interesting life.
Today finally got better around dinner time, when we had Thanksgiving II - this time my mom did the cooking, so it was absolutely delicious. After that, I went down to Glendale to buy books and see if Mike was working at Nordstrom. He was. It was great to see him. He's still fun, charming, and handsome. Good thing he's here in California; otherwise he could really throw a monkeywrench into my asceticism.
To mark the change in my life, I'm going to cut this chapter short after I get back to Ohio - I figure that consciously changing my lifestyle warrants a new chapter. I might even come up with a simple new layout.

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 11:23 p.m.


TITLE|and now
Friday, November 28, 2003
Good to be home.
Thanksgetting was pretty good. Turkey brunch in San Diego instead of turkey dinner because my dad had to get to work. Then we the family saw Master and Commander, which bored me a whole lot.
When Mom and I came home, I called Piya and we went to her place, then to Hollywood with Kyle and Jennella. That was fun.
I've decided that after this weekend of glut, I am going to start a much more ascetic lifestyle. Much less food. Much less waste. No sexual activity of any kind. I hope that my new purity might help me find honour.
Bored now. Time for sleep.

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 12:51 a.m.


TITLE|bye
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Flight: UNITED 1159
Departs: CLEVELAND
Date: WED 26 NOVE
Time: 5:30P
Arrives: DENVER
Date: WED 26 NOV
Time: 6:45P

Flight: UNITED 715
Departs: DENVER
Date: WED 26 NOVE
Time: 7:50P
Arrives: LOS ANGELES
Date: WED 26 NOV
Time: 9:12P

See you when I see you!

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 01:05 p.m.


TITLE|plans
Monday, November 24, 2003
The new plan: don't date anyone here at all. Don't even bother hooking up. Save all that nonsense for California guys. If no acceptable California guys appear, become a spinster. With a hump.
I like this plan a lot.
In the past twenty-four hour period, the weather did a total 180 and now it is bitterly cold. I hate this state.

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 07:53 p.m.


TITLE|delightful
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Thanksgiving, the best of holidays, is but days away. For a very few short days, I will be away from the drama and work of this campus and back home with my family - all of it, biological and not. My friends here are great, but mostly the friendships all seem so short-term - as though nobody really expects to see anyone else after graduation. It'll be a big relief to be back home with the gang. Plus, I've been needing to be drunk for the past couple weeks, and that's just not gonna happen here.
I wish everyone could come home for Thanksgiving. I'm gonna be missing some people a whole lot.

I think I've answered most of my questions from a couple entries ago. The answers are (1) bad idea (2) qualified yes (3) about 5-10% (4) about 50-60% (5) about 30% (6) about 30% and (7) the point of too much drama is where I have to consciously choose between friends.

Splunge is for splunge. I'm going to bed.

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 03:37 a.m.


TITLE|yeah
Friday, November 21, 2003
I'm feeling better. Nothing like spending a night with Emily to lighten the spirits. Mario Kart is too, too fun.

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 03:09 a.m.


TITLE|office
Thursday, November 20, 2003
Office hours for Lambdha Union... boring as spit, but at least I don't have to deal with people.

I recently reread all of Stubble and, in so doing, ran across this little gem that I had forgotten about. I love Dave Kelly.

I want to finish the story of Mademoiselle (see Birth, Child, Paper Parasol, Coal, Solitary Hearth, and Kindling) before the year is over, but I've been such a lazy moron about writing anything that I'm not sure I'll get it done.

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 02:37 p.m.


TITLE|durf
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
There's nothing like talking on the phone with much-missed faraway friends to turn conflicted depression into conflicted lonely melancholia.
Whoa there, Andrew, don't go opening a vein or anything.
Social Anxiety Disorder? Seasonal Affective Disorder? No matter how you spell it, SAD is sad.

Questions I would like to answer for myself in the coming weeks:
(1) Considering that I fall in love with my close friends far more often than I fall in love with the guys I date, do monogamous relationships matter that much to me, or would it be smarter just to sleep around with a group of close friends? And would that make things needlessly complicated?
(2) Do I really believe in God?
(3) How much of the bible do I believe to have truth on the surface - that is, how much do I believe should be interpreted as is, without too much added consideration?
(4) How much of the bible do I believe should be read critically, philosophically, to glean a more intricate understanding of the divine?
(5) How much of the bible do I think is there to impose control on and indoctrinate followers of the faith?
(6) How much of Judaism do I agree with?
(7) When does a good amount of drama to keep life interesting become so much drama as to make me want to hit people with a sledgehammer? Have I already crossed this line?
(8) Why am I boring my stalkers with this babbling?

A very happy birthday to Nathan, and a happy belated birthday to Hans. And to Kira, too; I don't remember whether I wished her one way back in the beginning of the month.

I finally followed Jake's suggestion and started reading Something Positive. I'm about halfway caught up on it. My verdict so far: it is occasionally very funny, but more often than not the humour is swallowed up by its poisonous pessimism and mean-spiritedness. And by that I mean I'm literally left with a gross taste in my mouth and a sickened stomach after reading too much at once. I'm not sure whether or not I'll be able to get through the second half of the archives without the aid of ipecac.

But, after all, tomorrow is another day. Goodnight, faithful stalkers.

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 10:59 p.m.


TITLE|insomnia and awful religion
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
For the past week or so, I've been filling the late hours of my insomnia with online Christian tracts by Chick publications. It's the most morbid attraction I've ever experienced, and I am a connoisseur of dead baby jokes. They really repulse me - hateful, hypocritical, and firmly based on a lunatic interpretation of Christianity - but I keep reading them until I feel so weary of the whole thing that I can actually fall asleep.
It leads to some really interesting dreams.

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 03:36 a.m.


TITLE|ad majorem etc
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
I've started working at declaring my major. S. Majors. This is scary. It's like I suddenly have to consider all the work I'm gonna be doing for the rest of college. And with two non-overlapping majors, it's quite a lot of work to think about. Kill me. Thirty-four hours of math. Thirty-eight hours (at least) of East Asian Studies. That means after this year is over, I will have nineteen hours of math and twelve hours (at least) of East Asian Studies left. Assuming I can pass this God-damned history class. Nobody should ever have to have Ron Dicenzo for a lecture.
Jesus. Nineteen hours of math spread out over two years means I'm gonna be doing this two math classes per semester thing pretty much for the rest of college, unless I end up going to Budapest, where I might taken a million math courses. But they won't have Japanese there, which is of course a big problem. And most or all of the Japan abroad programs don't offer math.
Basically, things are complicated and I just wish the gang were here:
- I could get tossed with Chris and fuck with people or just have a good time.
- I could watch dumb TV with the guys and not give a fuck, or we could go out adventuring.
- I could spend time with Piya and lil sis and be silly.
- I could laugh until I cried with Ham.
- I could exchange knowing glances and hugs with Kira.
- I could drink whiskey with Hans and listen to him talk about music.
- I could hang out with Nathan and not have to bother with words.
- I could just be with everyone and be deeply happy.
Sanctus, sanctus, sanctus.
Dominus Deus Sabaoth.
Pleni sunt coeli et terra gloria tua.
Hosanna in excelsis.
Damn right, Fauré.
All right, mushy nostalgic entry: done.

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 02:54 a.m.


TITLE|las ranas
Sunday, November 16, 2003
I've kissed a lot of princes in my time, but they've mostly turned out to be frogs after all. Guys are confusing and not generally worth the time.
On a mostly unrelated note, Carter has Jak II, which I played with him for a couple hours today. It had been awhile since my last platformer, and I'd kinda forgotten how much fun they can be. Especially when they're challenging.
Also on a mostly unrelated note, I went out Friday night with my fierce gloves and my sledgehammer. Nothing brings me peace of mind quite like hitting things with a big hammer.
Should I be worried that I just typed that sentence?

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 03:01 a.m.


TITLE|letter
Friday, November 14, 2003
Dear math,

Why do you hate me so? Can we please meet up sometime for coffee and patch things up? I still love you.

Hugs,
Andrew

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 03:57 p.m.


TITLE|glut
Friday, November 14, 2003
I got tricked into going to a drag show tonight. I didn't enjoy it at all. It was mostly boring, often annoying, too often nauseating, and very briefly good (there was one performer who could actually dance, and who wasn't hideous or fat). If anything, it re-established for me how sensitive my aesthetic sense is when there's nothing to distract me. Goddamn topless drag queen with paint-dabbed breasts-o-flesh.
My schedule for next semester is a lot like my schedule this semester, only better. Compare:
THIS SEMESTER:
MWF:
10 a.m.: Japanese (Hosaka/Filler)
1:30 p.m.: Traditional Japanese History (DiCenzo)(snore)
2:30 p.m.: Advanced Calculus (Young)
TR:
10 a.m.: Japanese (Hosaka/Filler)
11 a.m.: Discrete Math (Walsh)

NEXT SEMESTER:
MWF:
10 a.m.: Japanese (Hosaka/Filler)
12 p.m.: Modern Korean History (Jager)
1:30 p.m.: Linear Algebra (Young)
2:30 p.m.: Topics in Advanced Calculus: Chaos, Fractals and Dynamics (Walsh)
TR:
10 a.m.: Japanese (Hosaka/Filler)

That's right, Tuesdays and Thursdays are practically free next semester! Also, I get to apply all my hard work in Adv Calc this term to things like fractals and dynamic systems next term! Wahoo! I'm already well on my way to that math major.
There was something else I meant to write about..
Oh, right. Illness. What the fuck is with this year? My dog dies, my dad gets appendicitis, my grandpa has a stroke, two friends' dads get cancer... I'm lookin' at you, God. What's the deal?
The No Doubt album Rocksteady is one of the most nostalgic things I own. It reminds me intensely of senior year, Dustin, Chris, Nathan, and my sister, all at the same time. No one CD should have that much power over me.
Why do I feel like crying? Nothing's wrong in my life...

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 03:37 a.m.


TITLE|du vent
Thursday, November 13, 2003
The wind has been showing itself off in marvelous form tonight. I feel kinship with it. There are few sounds as beautiful, as soothing, as the wild winds whipping around outside.
Next semester, I am again taking two math courses and Japanese. I only have five credit hours free to choose another class, and the creative writing workshop conflicts with math again. Dammit.

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 02:49 a.m.


TITLE|chapter two (bad poetry too)
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Abruptly realizing how long that last chapter was getting, I made the decision to archive it and move on.
I still haven't put up RoadLog or PhyLog. Sorry, stalkers. School hard.

Frostbit

The grass froze as I spoke with her.
Also of note: the moon eclipsed,
in the Philippines
two hundred and forty mothers bore
two hundred and forty children;
a decision was made and acted upon.

The grass froze as I spoke with her.
This I know by the sound from below
as I walked away.

Somewhere in a Grecian tomb,
Medusa's eyes are rolling.

Time for history and math. Until next time.

Number Six on the Lunatic Fringe, signing out - 01:26 p.m.